It took me a few weeks to fully accept it but I’m in the middle of my next void. Existing routines and patterns, remaining convictions, certainties and truths, all are disintegrating fast. With, for now, no replacements in sight.

I feel alone and lost, walk empty minded (but not in the mental silence way), low on energy and intrinsic motivation, physically vulnerable and lacking a sense of direction. And almost no-one is reaching out: no calls, no messages, no e.mails.

Meanwhile I’m trying to avoid familiar and new flight behaviour: into self pity, passivity, screens, food, alcohol, sleep, planning and control, asking for attention, taking big decisions. Whilst trying to focus on equanimity, self discipline, endurance, patience, small steps, physical fitness, building a routine.

In short, strengthening my base and staying ‘open’. It’s a challenge.

Although I knew it was imminent this phase still took me by surprise and seems triggered by a combination of elements: age, passing away of my mother, diminishing physical strength and flexibility (partly due to lack of exercise), ending of a number of (work related) projects and an unexpected diminished fear of lack. And calls for a new balance. If I reach my mothers age I still have more than 30 year ahead of me.

❤️