Recently I more or less ‘froze’ in a work related situation. I became extremely self conscious (could hear myself speak) and was low on self-confidence. In short, a shadow of my normal self and my performance rated accordingly.
Somehow I was triggered into behavior that was quiet frequent until 1996 but very rare since. In total I can recall three similar situation in the past 15 years or so. Common denominator in all situations was that I felt a certain ‘establishment’ or ‘elite’ in front of me and that I was somehow trying to belong (or at least not to be rejected).
Parental House 1974 – 1978
Ipenrode, Heemstede by H.vdSB
Being a bit further down the road now and more able to just be with this instead of fleeing into ‘self-protecting’ behavior (such as creating a story clearly explaining what was wrong with ‘them’) a new hypothesis finally came to me.
Looking back at my system of origin this seems to have been a recurring theme over many generation from both? my parents side. Always close to the establishment but never truly part of it. Partly living their lives but never quiet (able to afford that life). Being or feeling overlooked when it mattered.
Such as my ancestor Cornelis dGvE according to ‘De zwarte met het blanke hart’ by Arthur Japin. I also recognize elements in my own life. From a long strain of unsuccessful job applications with established organizations to living in fabulous estates owned by ‘established’ families such as Ipenrode in Heemstede or Belvedere in Overveen. Being a member of ‘Minerva’ or ‘Onder Ons’ but often feeling the odd one out.
It also brought me good things such as a clear understanding of how the ones that perceive themselves as being left-out or -behind feel and being able to translate that into systemic change initiatives towards a more inclusive world: QOL, Robin Hood (eg Independer), Health Angels, Westbroek, Breathe etc..
And maybe I’m just sensitive to settings that are not truly safe and loving. Such as during my time with ABN AMRO in Singapore where I was the ‘canary’ in the banking mine.
Time to investigate further (through family constellation work) and probably to truly accept that this was the fate of previous generations and mine fo a good part of my life but that there is no need for the destructive part of all this anymore. Thereby hopefully also liberating subsequent generations.
