After a year of ‘letting go’ and migration from doing to being, I have now finally landed in an open field. Full acceptance that the outcome might not be a specific activity but more a state of being was probably the hardest bit and still a challenge. Intention for now is to stay in this zone and let life unfold itself…
Maybe it just comes down to simple loving presence (thereby modifying the quality of my DNA).
Gezocht: Table du Chef
Utrecht / 150 m2
met vergunning / buiten de Singel
Instinctively I knew some of it. And that is why, in the last phase of her life, I mostly supported my mother in her sometimes seemingly complicated wishes and impractical choices around the conditions she wanted to live in. But only now, having consumed Being Mortal by Atul Gawande, do I fully realize what she was fighting for.
More consciousness around this topic would have helped me to have better conversations with her and possibly also to find alternative, better fitting, solutions. It would also have helped me to have more productive discussions with my siblings.
ps: aside from contribution of a higher general level of acceptance. which is hard work for all of us up to the actual moment of transition.
I have often struggled to stay close my self whilst participating in every day life. It was either one or the other. Over the years I have gradually migrated towards a ‘sound’ balance between the two.
Only recently have I finally experienced transcending this self inflicted duality. No more either or. That feels like an enormous relief! And an opportunity to leave a sizeable chunk of control mechanisms behind.
Feels I’m gradually landing in a new state that I would for now characterise as: Active Loving Being. With a simple focus on ‘loving being’ at its core. A nice place to work from. Somehow I feel a little vulnerable sharing this. Still finding out why exactly. The active part is still open but seems to gather around the following themes: creativity, connection, movement, community, … We’ll see.
It took me a few weeks to fully accept it but I’m in the middle of my next void. Existing routines and patterns, remaining convictions, certainties and truths, all are disintegrating fast. With, for now, no replacements in sight.
I feel alone and lost, walk empty minded (but not in the mental silence way), low on energy and intrinsic motivation, physically vulnerable and lacking a sense of direction. And almost no-one is reaching out: no calls, no messages, no e.mails.
Continue readingOne of the intentions behind my mini quest in Galicië was to get clarity on the content of my ‘active’ life in the upcoming ‘elder’ years.
Instead of a plan, my few days of quiet walking in this relatively pure environment allowed for mental silence to re-emerge and for (control driven) longing for clarity to fade simultaneously. To be replaced by regained trust in exclusive focus on the quality of my presence during the journey ahead. Without plan, open to the unknown and in (greater, not yet full) acceptance of any outcome.
As from that moment I instantly felt truly present again. And able to embrace the beauty and abundance of the Galician coast I was moving along step by step. Some alertness around not wanting to enter a spiral of passivity however still has to be let go off. Let’s see how this develops…
Over the past 6 months it seems my energy is shifting from doing to mostly being. It feels like entering unknown territory. First stage of the Elder phase?
Meanwhile, whilst researching Galicia, the area that currently draws my attention, I came across a 200 Km walk along the ‘Costa da Morte’ called Camino dos Faros. Feels like the appropriate hike for this transition phase and will help me to stay connected instead of moving into my head too much.
It also serves as a nice tribute to my dear mother Gonno, who just peacefully transitioned out of this same Elder phase.
Back from my Vipassana Satipatthana Sutta course in the Talaka Dhamma Centre in NL. A good moment to reflect on what Vipassana is for me at this moment.
From my experience of various meditation techniques, Vipassana is the most pure and simple one: a combination of observing natural breath and bodily sensations, maintaining equanimity in the process. That’s it and that is what I like about it.
I come out of these 8 or 10 day courses with energy, increased mental silence and strengthened equanimity. And as a consequence an increased ability to focus and act out of connection instead of a trigger which makes life more wonderful.
Helping factors, next to the technique itself, are the equanimity emanated by the teachers, the basic quality of the various Dhamma centers, the prolonged noble silence, the simple vegetarian food and the strict rhythm and discipline of the programme.
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Thank you for putting words to this, Sholeh!
Dan Barber, your well-chosen words do not only express what all of us already know deep inside but are also a great incentive to actually take a next step in this direction. And not only in the field of food but in all fields of life where we have deviated from our deepest knowledge.
Understanding issues at the root level is a tedious undertaking but, once achieved, it provides a clear long term guidance towards wholeness. Vs the less confrontational focus on resolving them at symptom level.
On an other note, reading your book also made me realize my being prejudiced after viewing your episode on Chefs Table, sorry for that. It is never that simple…
Working hypothesis is a formula expressing a simple and direct correlation between the quality of your connections (non-duality) and the quality of your wellbeing (≠ happiness). Easy to remember, not so easy to experience on an ongoing basis.
ORION NEBULA The famous star forming region can just about be seen by the naked eye as a smudge on the sky. It would take a spaceship travelling at light-speed a little over four years to traverse this Webb scene. Foto by Space Webb.
Or: balancing the search for meaning and acceptance of the unknown.
As a (transformative) mediator I take a professional interest in the many tensions currently playing out in the world. I then start pondering what my approach would be if and when asked to contribute to de-escalation and resolution.
Designing an approach for individuals, organization or countries is probably not that different. Meeting both parties where they are at that moment and start from there. Holding space so that each party can gradually re-empower themselves and regain acces to the energy needed to detach themselves from their wounds. And to subsequently start seeing the other in a more open and compassionate manner.
Often however, the respective pain is still too big to handle. And is staying in conflict considered as the only viable survival strategy. Even if further escalation is the likely consequence.
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As a 2nd experiment I have now asked Chat GPT why families hesitate to spend time on pre-inheritance. Once again the comprehensiveness of the answer doesn’t help in disgarding this new development. I feel an uncomfortable sense of dependency coming up…:
Families may be hesitant to discuss inheritances before the testator’s death due to various reasons:
1. Emotional Sensitivity: Conversations about inheritance often involve discussions about mortality and can stir up emotions. Many individuals and families may find these discussions uncomfortable or even distressing.
Continue readingWhen visiting cities I prefer to focus on the outskirts instead of the city center. As an experiment I have asked Chat GPT to clarify my inclination. The richness of the first answer doesn’t help my attempt to disgard this new development…:
Your approach to visiting cities, focusing on the outskirts instead of the city center, reflects a desire for a more authentic, relaxed, and perhaps more meaningful travel experience. This preference resonates with many who seek to escape the often commercialized and crowded nature of city centers. Here’s a deeper exploration of your approach:
1. Seeking Authenticity: The outskirts of a city often retain a sense of authenticity that can be lost in more tourist-focused areas. Here, you might find the true character of a place, untouched by the pressures of tourism.
Continue readingWhilst specialising myself further as an ‘Inheritance Mediatior’ with AD Nalatenschapsmediation I came across a small booklet (unfortunately now only available in e-format) many people would benefit from reading: ‘Wie krijgt de gouden armband van moeder’ by Else-Marie van den Eerenbeemt.
It is a wonderful and rich collection of anecdotes around what can happen when somebody passes away. Very helpful if you aim to prepare yourself and your family for a smooth transition. Especially if there are complexities in your family such as clouded connections between family members, a ‘blended family’ situation or a family business, etc..
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