Recently I more or less ‘froze’ in a work related situation. I became extremely self conscious (could hear myself speak) and was low on self-confidence. In short, a shadow of my normal self and my performance rated accordingly.

Somehow I was triggered into behavior that was quiet frequent until 1996 but very rare since. In total I can recall three similar situation in the past 15 years or so. Common denominator in all situations was that I felt a certain ‘establishment’ or ‘elite’ in front of me and that I was somehow trying to belong (or at least not to be rejected).

Parental House 1974 – 1978
Ipenrode, Heemstede by H.vdSB

Being a bit further down the road now and more able to just be with this instead of fleeing into ‘self-protecting’ behavior (such as creating a story clearly explaining what was wrong with ‘them’) a new hypothesis finally came to me.

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Finally started my family constellations training with the Bert Hellinger institute. An overdue attempt to unburden subsequent generations. For an accessible & comprehensive description of the potential of family constellations have a look at De Fontein by Els van Steijn (also inspired by the work of Bert Hellinger).

For a podcast ‘summary’ of the content listen to: Leef je mooiste leven. For more literature see Family constellations.

In my turtle ‘sanctuary’: yellow-cheeked (and bottomed) turtle

Based on a deeply rooted fear of loss (and for conflict) I have made choices that have harmed the ones most dear to me. I have betrayed their trust and damaged their feeling of safety. I deeply wish I would have been conscious enough at the time to do things differently.

what ever happens

Since I have come to realize that full acceptance of whatever my live brings is the only remedy against this fear and it’s damaging consequences. I have also learned how difficult it is to fully integrate this wisdom and practice in every aspect of my life. It requires a great deal of courage and trust.

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Nice read with valuable pointers around opportunities and challenges of integration of consciousness in the various aspects of everyday life. Helpful in the proces of moving from 99% (or less) to 100% whilst staying present in modern life.

Especially Amoda’s insights around day to day practice of ‘surrender’ in combination with personal purpose in the last part of her book was helpful for me.

Pondering impermanence near Lej Sgrischus – Fex

I am aware of my personal purpose. And that (somewhat evolving) purpose has served me well and is embedded in QOL.

Until the age of 35 my ‘story’ and my ‘doing’ where not aligned. And also not based on what was close to me at the time. It was inspired by various fears instead. This was, amongst other events, confirmed by my unsuccessful attempts in securing a job when I needed to (even after 60 job applications).

As a consequence I used to think that the ‘economic value of being myself was zero’. Once these two matched ‘economic value’ at form level followed naturally.

Beyond form however, at level of ‘oneness’ doesn’t seem to allow for or require a personal purpose (or even any purpose?). Living consciously and letting myself be inspired from moment to moment seems sufficient. This ‘communal’ state also doesn’t fluctuate. I only drift in and out of it depending on my level of presence. At that level having an ‘economic value’ also seems irrelevant.

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Amsterdam Harbor by van Deventer (vdSB pupils)

Trying to embrace neuro-diversity fully and to support (the creation of) a loving environment for the whole spectrum including my own.

When I fall into exclusive behavior (probably a short term survival strategy) this can not only be triggered by differences in race, culture and gender etc, but also by more subtle differences such as neurological constellations that are less main stream. And therefor often labeled negatively such as ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder).

But the effect of the exclusion on the person concerned is probably similar. A feeling of being judged, labelled as ‘less’ and of being treated differently. This in turn triggers frustrated behavior that only makes matters worse for all involved.

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…confronting my next ‘demon’
in an overdue attempt to un-burden following generations…

Back to earth project: Year 3

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What if we could for a moment forget our fear of lack? Forget about a world in which meeting our needs happens at the expense of someone or something else. Thereby disconnecting ourselves from nature, each other and ourselves.

What if we could trust again? And believe in a world of abundance, where there is enough of everything for all of us. Thereby reconnecting us with nature, each other and ourselves.

Would we not feel much better? Feel less responsible for the dispair of others, less stress about our future and less lonely.

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How can we help each other – at a collective and / or personal level – through the ‘valley of despair’ in order to avoid A and to get to where we all want to go: B where change is more fundamental and sustainable? As staying at the ‘expected ongoing level’ is probably not what we really believe will happen in the long run.

Answers I have seen so far are moving in a interesting direction (inclusive dialogue, participative decision making, small is beautiful, open-source sharing etc.) but still seem to be driven by a desire to survive as a species. In my current understanding thereby still implying the same ‘separateness’ that got us here in the first place. Answers also seem to require a major and swift shift in collective consciousness and, better informed but still goal driven action, which will therefor in itself probablycause the next issue.

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